Here’s my quote of the day, from Ezra:
It’s fascinating how much more concerned conservative types are with a Canadian who had to wait 3 months for a hip replacement than with the 18,000 Americans who die each year because they lack access to quality medical care.
Amen.
It’s hard to explain, in a group of other moms, that you didn’t buy your son any shoes until he was almost a year old and absolutely needed them, in order to save money. That your hair looks bad because a good cut is about 50.00 and you have to space those out as long as you can, or cut your own. That paying money to fly in a plane, stay in a hotel, or rent a car is the kind of thing you only do in emergencies, and sometimes not even then. That you’ve borrowed money from friends and family to get by, and may have to do so again. That you’ve never had enough spare cash to open a savings account. That you are still paying (or in my case, presently not paying) a student loan on an undergrad degree that’s 15 years old and should have been done years ago.
It’s hard to explain all that, because of shame. Because people judge you, and because (if you’re honest) you’ve judged others, for having financial troubles, for not being able to figure out how to get what you need and keep ahead of your expenses.
We judge because we all want to believe that it can’t happen to us–that it happened to someone else because of a dumb choice they made that we would not. Sometimes, that’s true. I would be worse off if I’d picked up a drug habit, or had a shopping addiction.
But sometimes…well, sometimes you’re just poor despite your best try. You work hard, you try hard, you say no a thousand times a year to things you want that are too expensive. You go without things you need. But it’s never enough. You never get in the clear. You hope someday, that you will, that the steps you’re taking now in your career or your life will pay off. But you don’t have any reassurances about that. And in the meantime, life goes by and you have to walk dangerously close to the edge. You hope you don’t fall off. But it wouldn’t take much to push you over. Sickness, layoff, natural disaster, car collision, theft. It doesn’t take much at all.
I didn’t want to talk about this in relation to myself…still don’t. It’s like admitting a weakness, like airing dirty laundry. But flea wrote a post at her blog that reminded me how many people there are out there who look all right, who seem to be making it, but who are lying awake at night, wondering if they’ll get their utilities cut off, their car repossessed, their credit dragged down so far that there’s no hope of clearing it. Wondering what they’ll do with all their stuff if they’re evicted. Wondering if the local food bank will be able to help them feed their kids.
We’ve had some of those troubles, and avoided some of them…so far. I don’t know when it will get better, or how. I keep going forward because, what choice do I have? Because I don’t want to give up, because giving up is worse.
This isn’t a begging post, or an asking for sympathy post. I take responsibility for my choices, as much as possible. We are still above water, for now.
But I don’t want to have to pretend it’s all ok when it’s not, or be ashamed to be in this situation. I want anyone else who’s reading me, who’s in the same situation or worse, to know that someone out there is *not* judging them, is not going to give them a lecture about What You Should Have Done to Avoid This. There are far too many people in this boat with me for me to think we’re all a bunch of spendthrift idiots…even if I deserve everything that’s gotten me here, I’m pretty sure there are at least a few others who don’t.
I love LOVE Pinwheel cookies, and as a result have no self-control about eating them. I once ate myself sick on them at my grandma’s house as a kid, and STILL I love them, in all their marshmallowy chocolate-coated goodness. (NOT fudge-coated…those are an abomination!).
Anyway, I only buy Pinwheels under conditions of extreme duress requiring extraordinary measures. Which is a fairly accurate description of my life at the moment.
First, of course, is the fact that I’m still laid off. That sucks, because I haven’t even gotten any nibbles on my resumes (about 10) that I’ve sent out. Not a call or an email. So I called the temp agency to get re-signed up…but I know the pay isn’t going to be much. I may even end up having to take a crappy admin job to get insurance, and I HATE being an admin. Hate making travel plans for portly, balding sweaty executives with cheap ties and high blood pressure. Hate filing documents that No One Will Ever Read Again. Hate cheerful company memos. Hate taking messages. Hate hate hate. But there are plenty of those jobs around, and they’re easy if you are capable of minimal brainwave activity, so they may be my only option as the cash continues to run out. Yes, I should follow my bliss…but sometimes, I must first follow my need to keep eating and sleeping indoors.
The second thing is that Matt has been sick for 3 days….horrible bowel-problems sick. To the point where this morning he begged me to call the EMTs because he couldn’t even walk to the car so I could drive him to his doctor’s. So I did, trying not to think about ambulance bills. And then I was PUT ON HOLD BY 911, ya’ll. Before they even knew my emergency. Good thing Matt hadn’t been shot or anything!
The EMTs were here fast, though, and they were nice. I think were trying to save us cash. After they determined Matt’s blood pressure didn’t put him in the danger zone, they managed to help him to the car so he wouldn’t have to ride in the ambulance. They didn’t take our insurance info, so I don’t know if we’ll be billed for their help or not. At any rate, I got Matt to his doc’s and didn’t have to sit in the ER for six to 12 hours with Nathan. Matt is feeling better after his doc put him on Pedialyte and antibiotics, but I’m still zoned from 3 days of nonstop baby and husband care. Compounded by the third thing…
…the goddamn rain. It has rained EVERY day, often TWICE a day, for the last TWO WEEKS, and it’s taking a toll. I can’t take Nathan outside much at all (he heads straight for the nastiest oil-slicked puddles he can find) so we have to drive him somewhere twice a day so he can play and get out of the house. Our backyard remains a poison-ivy infested mosquito swamp that we can do nothing about till it dries out. Our front yard is OK, but the first two inches below the grass are all mud. The rain has also led to an explosion of web worms, so there are freakin’ caterpillars everywhere. And it drives the roaches and ants indoors…I’ve had to fumigate my kitchen pantry several times, and grout up entrance holes, but I doubt I’ve got them all yet.
There’s hardly ever any sunshine, and the heat with 100% humidity is unbearable. So we’re all stir crazy. I am sick of taking Nathan to the bookstores and the mall playground, the only places he can mostly play safely and stay dry. I am sick of this goddamn weather. If Nathan were in daycare, he would get much more stimulation and have more fun. But I can’t put him in daycare because I still don’t have a job.
See, it’s all one big Circle of Suck!